jamieoquinn.com

This article originally ran in the Hattiesburg American newspaper and is reprinted with permission. 

Now, how exactly do you call a cow?  This is the question I posed to my husband recently as we looked upon our newly acquired bovines in the pasture.

I had tried the standard dog call of “Here Bette, here Pedro,” while clapping, to which the whole herd responded by simultaneously stopping mid-chew and staring with dumbfounded expressions.

What started off as an acquisition to produce beef is slowly evolving into an emotional attachment since everybody – I mean everything – in the pasture now has a name.  Our aunt named several of the girls and her love for music is evident in their christening.  Tina Turner is the tiger striped cow who reminds her of the singer on the big world tour right after she and Ike split.  With the singer’s short leather skirt (how poetic), famous legs and lion mane hair, she was the first to be named.

Next is Ella Fitzgerald, the bovine matriarch of the group and one of my aunt’s favorite singers from that era.  Roberta Flack has a calm disposition and tends to be more of a loner and doesn’t care about following the crowd.  Then there’s Bette Midler.  The kids and I spotted her off the bat when told to look for the blonde with the attitude.

Naming the offspring was already covered according to my husband.  The first born was to be called T-bone and the second Rib-eye.  I had been saddened about the inevitable plans for these hay-munching, salt-licking creatures until my husband slipped up and told some friends that he’s now a grandfather.  There were stunned looks of concern as they quickly added up the ages of our children but then he proudly gave a description of Ella’s newborn heifer otherwise referred to as “the baby”.

Now, some might not be too pleased to have an animal named after them.  Others, however, might find it a compliment.  Our aunt’s brother named a horse after her several years ago in a loving gesture.  Given certain sibling relationships, however, I would have made sure he had been inspired by the whole horse and not just half.

Pedro the bull has his human call down pat.  This surprisingly gentle former 4-H contestant often approaches the fence and bellows for someone to scratch his head.  I’ve tried his approach but don’t get much response by humans or beasts.  All I can do is keep on trying.  Until that time, I think I’ll start eating more chicken.